Source: Lost Child
I’ve got to find a box, to fill with this pain,
if I could somehow make that happen, maybe I wouldn’t think of you again.
Why did you pretend, that you even cared, was it just for show, a good intention?
Was is just a coincidence I was never mentioned? I was so unprepared…
for the second round of damage, that I didn’t see,
took me by surprise and Blind-sided me.
Just tossed me to the wind, like a
discarded candy wrapper, you said YOU would be so much HAPPIER..
I have a question for you, did it make you feel better? To say you tried
but you just couldn’t deal with this disaster? This disaster of a person
that you make me out to be, the tiny little girl, you chose to set free….
Not once but twice, without a second thought, did it ever occur to you that
you were breaking my heart?
Did you forgive yourself and make amends? Do you look better now to all
of your friends? That IS what it was about right? Because it sure wasn’t
about me, what a fool I was to think you would ever want me to be, the daughter
that I so desperately wanted you to see.
So I will get out this box, and add the rest of my pain, to the already filed
stack of rejection and shame. Should I tape it up real tight and never open it
again? Or would that be letting YOU win…..? I guess it doesn’t matter,
it just wasn’t meant to be, in the beginning and now, you never wanted ME.
Sept 11, 2017
Everything is in black and white… For as far as the eyes can see…. No Color enters into his life… Just generic misery…. Grey clouds, black rain… Thunder and constant storm….. He hides behind the walls of dust waiting to get warm….he shivers… As he sits and waits… Another day goes by in which he hates… There is so escape or so it seems…. Another day of feeling lost and broken dreams…. How did he get here? To this abandoned place…. Where he looks in the mirror not recognizing his own face…. Pale and thin, with sunken eyes… That’s not him… It must be a disguise….. He starts kicking from the bottom, swimming endlessly in fear… Panic kicks in and he realizes death could be near…. Voices surround him…. Guiding his path… Fear overtakes him as he feels hands on his arms…. He can’t see where he’s going, he is no longer strong…. There are so many people, people he doesn’t know… Giving him options… He must choose who to let go…. Does he want his life back? Does he want to live? Or does he want to continue his lifestyle and slowly give.. His soul to the devil…..
Your presence absorbs the air around me, making it difficult to breath…..choking, suffocating on your tired words, dwelling in your negative space, drains me of my dreams. Any happiness escapes through the gaping wound that you will not allow to heal. There is no freedom, from the relentless torture, created by my own thoughts. The words you speak rarely show any truth on your face, only dull, tired, predictable utters of your own unreliable combination. Remarkably, I pretend to believe them, only out of the fear of being totally alone, fear of not being loved, fear of not being wanted. Is your so-called love better than being alone and free? I don’t know…. I have never given that a fair chance, I find myself longing for you. You fill a void that remains empty without you. It’s cold and dark, lonely, and unbearable, but what is this existence by your side? Happiness for a short while? only to be followed by the same predictable actions and spawns of negativity that is produced by your genetic makeup. Generations of pain are instilled in your actions, taking is all you know, giving only to receive, like a lost little boy sitting in the corner that nobody wanted. We share a similar pain, one that pulled me in with tremendous force, the pain of rejection, I recognized it from the start. We fail each other, every day, because neither of us is capable of loving fully, we stop just short of the cliff, refusing to fly. We are the closest thing we KNOW to be REAL…. but there is always one last step, that never gets taken. Isn’t it safe here? Dwelling on the edge of not caring, or at least telling ourselves that we do not? So easy to throw our hands up and walk away, but it is only temporary. The NEED and hunger for understanding rebounds and ignites what is left of our hearts, our hearts that are still bound together…. bound together, by love forever.
Pieces of Me
For the last time you have stabbed me in the heart, with your sharp pointy words;
The sadness you cause is deeper than a bottomless pit at the end of the earth.
You do it so easily, with such matter of fact and certainty; carelessly sliding the knife into my open flesh like it were butter on a slice of toast.
You have no remorse, because of course it was not your fault. Your inflictions of pain were a direct result from the actions of others, and even though you are sorry, it is justified.
Sorry….a repeated word of a million times…..no longer penetrates the mind only bounces off the ears that have been long closed to your apologies. They no longer have any value, much less a place in my heart. Lies…all lies…only words that are longing to be heard, but there are no words of meaning left anymore.
Tears still fall, because the sadness is so great; its a sadness of a huge burden that has been carried for way too long. A burden that slides down my cheek, leaving a slow torturous trail….scarring on it’s way down, leaving a track filled with years of hopeless, meaningless pain. Don’t you know I would have taken away all of your pain? I have absorbed so much of it, and made it my own already…..but it has become overwhelming……so overwhelming that I am numb and broken, broken into so many pieces that I no longer smile, not really. The pieces have become scattered remnants of what used to be me, and many of the pieces have been lost forever.
What was it for? The knowledge that even though you love me, I would always be second to your drug? Knowing you can stop at any time but chose not too, is worse than not being able too. Nothing hurts worse than not being enough, I’m tired…so tired…of not EVER being enough…..It ends now, the excuses, the lies, the manipulations, the judgment, the blaming, the anguish, the abuse, and mostly the disappointment, for it is the greatest torture of them all. As the tears continue to fall, today, they are for peace, and no longer for the pieces of me that belong to you, I have taken them back, you do not deserve them.
Adoption is viewed as one of the most commendable and rewarding things a family can do for an unwanted child. The child is welcomed with loving arms into a family full of love, want and need. It is indeed, a wonderful, generous and giving action, worthy of its praise, however; what many do not realize about adoption is, that for the adopted child, many psychological issues are overlooked, and, unacknowledged.
When a child is adopted at an early age, especially as an infant or under the age of three, it is often assumed that the child has no recollection of his or her biological Mother. Often, stories of pleasurable and heroic reasons as to why the biological Mother gave the child away are generated by the adoptive parents, and sadly, these stories are often seen as enough to satisfy the curiosity and “need to know”, of the child. As the child grows older, and develops other relationships, he or she may find themselves struggling with identity. For example, when a person goes to the doctor, they are ask several health related questions regarding family history of illness. This can be quite disturbing and unsettling for the adoptee. Answering the questions based on the adoptive family is incorrect, and, the truth by which to answer the questions are unknown. This creates a sense of not-belonging, and questions of “who I am “ for the adoptee. While this may not be seen as such a big deal by most, for the adoptee, it can be devastating. Things that are taken for granted by biological families, like common familiarness such as hair color, eye color, personality, talents, and simply being blood related are a much greater issue for the adopted, because they do not have these things. Because they do not have these things in common, the feeling of not-belonging, or not knowing who one is, increases greatly. These feelings can also contribute to feeling alone, unworthy of love, or, not being “real”. Often, adoptees withdraw and become depressed. The may seek out unhealthy relationships because it allows them to have some sort of control. Often, females will become pregnant, just so they can have a blood relative of their own, or have someone to love that truly will love them back. The need to be loved, is great, and the understanding why one was given away is a huge question that must be answered truthfully and not answered with some made up fairy-tale story. More research is greatly needed in this area so that proper procedures can be followed when adoptions occur, to prevent a child from growing up to be become a very troubled adult, with many unanswered questions and often many psychological conditions or mental illnesses.
The scientific merit of this research topic is profound. The awareness regarding the “good” about adoptions was established years ago; however; the implications that affect the adult adoptee for years to come has not been thoroughly studied. Many studies that are conducted today are based on searching or reasons to search, and outcomes, for biological parents by the adoptee. There are fewer studies on the issues suffered much less the prevention or early intervention of those issues when adoption occurs. “Most of the empirical literature on adult adoptees is concerned with searching (e.g., reasons for searching, satisfaction with the search) or with the existence of psychological distress (Borders, Penny, & Portnoy, 2000; Feigelman, 1997; Smyer, Gatz, Simi, & Pedersen, 1998). To date, the developmental tasks of adulthood-such as generativity and life review and how they are manifested by adult adoptees-have not been investigated empirically” (Penny, Borders 2007). The lack of studies in the prominent area is obvious, “Indeed, the numerous losses inherent in adoption supposedly have put adoptees at a much greater risk of dysfunction. Throughout their lives, adoptees must grieve or deal with losses particularly relevant to each developmental stage (e.g., an adolescent grieving the loss of cultural and genealogical heritage in defining identity). This theme of loss, however, has rarely been studied empirically by adoption researchers (Zamostny et al., 2003)” (Penny, Borders 2007).
The questions raised in my research topic are what actions could be taken when an adoption occurs to possibly prevent an adopted child from developing these issues in adulthood? What types of counseling could or should be implemented with all adopted children to help them accept and move forward from the circumstances surrounding their loss of biological parent? How can these issues be prevented in the first place, or can they? Are there means to sufficiently counsel an adult adoptee that has the ability to satisfy the ever ending feeling of emptiness or incapability of being loved, experienced by the adult adoptee? The general approach of research for this topic would be a mixture of both qualitative and quantitative methods. The research first must be conducted in the proper area. The majority of the current research is based on searching, reunions between biological parent and child, and outcomes. These reunions often lead to more disappointment and further the already dooming issues experienced by the adult adoptee. The research needs to start at the beginning, when the adoption occurs, and what exactly is experienced so that the proper treatment can be implemented. If more research was conducted in this area, I believe it would be possible to prevent, or at least ease, the burdens and often traumatizing and devastating issues experienced by the adult adoptee.
FEENEY, J. A., PASSMORE, N. L., & PETERSON, C. C. (2007). Adoption, attachment, and relationship concerns: A study of adult adoptees. Personal Relationships, 14(1), 129-147. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2006.00145.x
Penny, J., Borders, L. D., & Portnoy, F. (2007). Reconstruction of adoption issues: Delineation of five phases among adult adoptees. Journal of Counseling and Development : JCD, 85(1), 30-41. Retrieved fromhttp://search.proquest.com.library.capella.edu/docview/219027069?accountid=27965
Have you ever pushed yourself so far away from people, that no matter how many people you are around, you are really still all alone? You find that your feelings do not run so deep anymore, just coast along the surface because you can’t hold your breath that long anymore. You are so withdrawn that you can’t get close and it has become normal. You avoid sentimental movies and opt for comedies because the only emotion you mindlessly allow yourself to feel is laughter. Laughter is good, laughter is safe, you are not afraid of laughter. You find that the only time you are reminded that you have feelings is when you hear the words of an old song that used to mean something to you, or when you catch a part of a movie that grabs you unexpectedly, stabbing a part of you that will never die, reminding you that you still have a heart.
You catch people from the corner of your eye, rolling their eyes at you, or making faces from behind when they think you can’t see. It used to hurt, now it just adds to the sadness that you already know. You find yourself wondering what your purpose is, because, you know there has to be one. You wonder if you are smart enough to notice it, or, if you have missed all the signs. People are just people, and no matter how much you love deeply from the inside, disappointment steals the space that you had set aside for the love, acceptance, and approval of others. There is no space for that, because no one will ever see you that way, not the way that you need them to. Life goes on, poking fun at your hope, dreams, and wishes, like an unfinished game that will never end. There has to be an answer, but the question is, how does one put themselves first, when, all of your life you have been left behind, shoved aside, mistaken and dismissed? How do you let go an feel when you know the result will leave you heart broken? It never heals, you just keep covering up the wounds by turning your head and looking forward, yet the pain keeps overflowing into your heart with a slow, but constant flow. Life goes on, no matter what, so, you put on a smile to the world, even try to believe it yourself, but eventually the heart fills up, allowing the emotions to spill in the form of tears, then we try again………or, the journey ends.